Let’s get personal (this is your cue to go grab a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine, depending on your time zone). The kind of personal that happens on blogs and web sites, where words flow easier with the tap of a keyboard than they do through your own lips.
This is what I expected the weeks before my wedding to feel like: Unicorns! Rainbows! Glitter!
This is what the weeks before my wedding actually feels like: Every emotion possible. Sometimes I am just plain tired of all the planning, and I can’t wait to just be married. Sometimes I am so confused about the tiny details I can’t think straight, or string together a coherent sentence (it doesn’t help I’m writing my thesis at the same time!)
Sometimes I sit with deep thoughts about identity and wife and spouse.
Sometimes I am scared – of things going wrong, of tripping and falling flat on my face as I walk down the ‘aisle’ (for me, that’s across a park, where it’s quite plausible I’ll ruin my dress with mud and grass stains). I’m scared of what happens after the wedding – when I no longer have craft projects to keep my restless hands busy, when I am the proud owner of three degrees but am unemployed, when our evenings are no longer consumed with checklists and playlists and registry lists.
The scared, nervous, tired feelings leave me angry with myself. This is my wedding! It’s practically a rule that I should be happy all day every day! Unicorns! Rainbows! Glitter!
But then I am happy a lot, I get huge bursts of excitement that leave me dancing from foot to foot. I’m in awe, that he’s picked me, that this story has a happy ending. I’m grateful. I find myself smiling for no reason in the middle of the day.
As the RSVP’s roll in I’m increasingly nervous about pulling this whole thing off. But I’m thrilled at the thought of seeing all of our loved ones – from my side and his – in one spot, for the first (and, let’s be honest, probably the last) time ever. And I’m excited to write our ceremony and our vows.
But in any case, I didn’t expect it to be rain clouds and rainbows during the weeks before my wedding.
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I wrote all of the above a week ago.
It’s a testament to the cathartic process that is writing for me. Since putting pen to paper hands to keyboard I’ve been overcome with a sense of peace about my wedding (I think, something like what Meg Keene describes as wedding zen). I think admitting that I didn’t feel 100% fabulous 100% of the time was very therapeutic for me, and I’m (mostly) one little ball of happy and excitement now (but I’m still terrified of falling down the aisle).
If you’re struggling with emotions and stress during the weeks before your wedding, know that you aren’t alone. It’s okay if it isn’t all rainbows, unicorns and glitter. Do whatever you need to (sing about it, write about it, paint it out, dance it out) to find some clarity. Or, heck, dive into it and let it be.
There are no rules in life, and I’m slowly learning, there are no wedding rules either.
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Photo by Layton Reid via Layton Reid Photography
extra credit reading: The New Wedding Rules by Martha Stewart